Hey, I’m really impressed you actually clicked on this link! And in a way, I’m glad you did because what’s on this page is so important. I didn’t know I needed some ‘terms of use’ but my solicitor Zoe said they should be included on my website in some form or another, just to be on the safe side.

At first I thought what a pain in the backside. But then I read the sample she showed me. Wow, what a shocker! This stuff really is important for all kinds of reasons.

So what I’ve done is remove all the ‘legal-babble’ and rewritten it in the kind of English we all understand.

Since you’re here anyway, it would be a great idea to read everything on this page as it could prevent you from hearing from Zoe, or even worse, from really nasty people who make pots of money from prosecuting other people that breach this kind of stuff.

So here’s the deal:

I created this website so that people like you can use it as you wish for information, education, communication, and personal gratification. So go ahead and browse around all you like. You can even request a free book from the site for non-commercial and personal use. If you do download the book, don’t mess around with the copyright notices. They are there for a reason.

And while you’re at it don’t even think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or doing anything else unreasonable with my material, including text, images, audio, and video, for public or commercial purposes… unless I give you written permission. And that’s not likely. OK?

Every time you visit my website, you are legally obligated to [read as “stuck with”] these Terms and Conditions and any other laws or regulations that apply to this site, the Internet, the World Wide Web, or the United Kingdom. You shouldn’t access or browse this site if you have any problem with this because once you start, there’s no turning back – you are bound by [read as “stuck with”] these Terms and Conditions.

Here’s the top ten rules for visiting my site:

1. For all of our sake’s, please assume everything on my website is copyrighted, unless I say it isn’t. This means you can’t use anything without my written permission. And like I said before, it’s not likely I’m going to give you permission in any case. In fact, even if I wanted to, Zoe is likely to kill any deal stone dead. So it’s better you don’t ask in the first place.

2. While I’ve made every effort humanly possible to give you accurate information (why would I do anything other than that?) I’m not allowed to promise you that anything on this site is indeed accurate. Crazy I know, but I can’t promise you anything except fun and entertainment. So if you use something I’ve published on this site, you’re using it at your own risk. Don’t call me if a problem crops up from doing that because I assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions.

3. Neither me or anyone else who helped me create, produce or deliver this site are liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, Zoe wants you to know that my disclaimer includes (here goes):

“Direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, this site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on this site is provided to you ‘AS IS’ WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT. Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties.”

Wow, what a mouthful. I put all that up in quotes because I couldn’t work out any other way to say it in a tone any solicitor would accept.

But here’s the bottom line. I cannot be held responsible if browsing this site somehow damages you, or your computer, or infects it with any viruses. I really hope that doesn’t happen. But if it does, don’t call me!

4. If you don’t want the world to know something, don’t post in on this site. That’s because anything you disclose here is mine. Yep… all mine! So I can do anything I want with it. I can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it somewhere else. I can even send it to your aunty’s cat if I want. Not only that, I can even use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post in any way I choose, including, developing, manufacturing and marketing products or other stuff using the information you post.

5. Pictures of people or products shown on this site are either my property or someone else’s property that I’m using with their permission. No matter what else, it’s definitely not yours. You, or any of your net-friends, can’t use it unless I say you can on this page or somewhere else on the site. And guess what? I won’t say you can. So be careful. Unauthorised use may violate all sorts of scary laws. Be smart and keep the stuff you download to yourself.

6. There’s also trademarks, logos, and service marks on this site that either I own or am using with someone else’s permission. So don’t think you have any kind of license or right to use them, because you don’t and I’m not about to give you one. I guess you’ve got that message by now.  If you don’t leave them alone and mess with trademarks, logos and service marks on this site, I’ll be very unhappy as will the companies that own any other trademarks, logos and service marks. This means I’m likely to sue you (wait for that call from Zoe) or instruct a prosecutor to come after you for messing around with my property or the property of others.

7. You’ll notice I’ve linked this site to a few others. While that’s useful to you, it doesn’t mean I’ve taken a long hard look at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to see what’s going on. So don’t blame me if a site you decide to click on or link to is horrific, infects your computer with viruses, or has other stuff on it that offends you, your grandmother, or your dog. Go ahead and link, but remember, you’re doing so at your own risk.

8. That brings me to what you actually do on my site. Don’t be daft by posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane material or any material that legal types may consider a criminal offence, get someone in court on a civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any law… anywhere, any time. While I certainly respect your privacy, I have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement authorities or courts which might ask me who posted nasty stuff on my site.

9. I am allowed to change this page and anything else on my site at any time I want to. That’s because it’s mine and I have the programmers who can do it. If I do change the page, then you are also bound by [read as “stuck with”] the changes whenever you visit this site.

10. If either of us wants to make something of it and is looking to “sue” (dirty word) the other, then we have to follow some rules of engagement (similar to abiding to the Geneva Convention):

These Terms and Conditions are governed by the laws of England and Wales without regard to principles of conflict of laws.

To the extent you have in any manner violated or threatened to violate my intellectual property rights, I may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief in any court in England and Wales and you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such courts.

Any other disputes will be resolved as follows:

If a dispute arises under these Terms and Conditions, we agree to first try to resolve it with the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator. Any costs and fees other than legal fees associated with the mediation will be shared equally between us.

If it proves impossible to arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution through mediation, we agree to submit the dispute to binding arbitration. Judgement upon the award rendered by the arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction to do so.

If this all sounds rather mean, heavy-handed and undiplomatic… you should have seen the version Zoe handed me in the first place. I had to remind her that torture and human sacrifice has been outlawed in England many years ago. Do you know what? She almost looked disappointed…

Now do yourself a favour, click off this page and let’s both get on with our lives!